8/27/2023

today has been decent, but i feel like i'm losing so much time this summer. i wake up at noon, smoke weed, and lose the whole day on my laptop coding. every once in a while i will work on commissions too, but i haven't been outside in at least a week now. i've barely even seen the sunlight. i keep my lights off with my blackout curtains covering my windows. i don't really move from the spot i have under my loft bed, i even sleep under here. it's not that comfortable. it's just convenient. next week class starts back up, so hopefully it puts a bit more of a schedule into my day. i always dread summer, because it's so much easier for me to fall into these dissociative and fuzzy states where i don't feel quite real and everything turns to mush. i had a really bad one at the beginning of the summer where i just zoned out until noon and then slept until midnight. it was miserable, i'm glad i have this website to hyperfixate on now.

i feel so lonely all of the time since she left. that could be why i've gotten so engrossed in my website. the grief doesn't last forever, but after she left i realized i didn't really talk to anyone but her. talking to her twice a week nonstop would be enough to tire me, so that's the only social interaction i'd have. i enjoyed the routine aspect, too. i knew which days we would talk and could always rely on her to text me. i don't really text anyone unless they text me first. i know that's my fault, but she left me even more unsure about how to talk to people than i was before. if my "everyone's out to get me" mentality wasn't bad before, having the only person i held above that status hurt me shattered my trust in people even more. at least some friends still check up on me somewhat regularly, although i don't know why they do. i've always been awkward with people, and during our relationship i isolated myself from most of my friends.

sorry that my blog entries are consistently miserable, i'll try to make sure my next one is more positive. on a lighter note, i've been playing candy box 2 recently. it's a lot of fun! i just unlocked the desert fortress and the castle. i'm working on getting the PLAY stones, right now i have P and L. i took a break for the night, though. the puzzle for the P stone fried my brain.. (╥ᆺ╥；)