October 2nd, update

Hi! It's been a little while since I've updated here. I haven't been doing too well lately. This entry will mostly just be venting, so feel free to skip it if you'd like. I'm feeling a little better for the past few days, but I've been having waves of near-suicidality caused by a sudden and severe anhedonia. I'm starting to feel better lately, but it feels like I've been spiraling my whole life. The happiest I've been was when I was a little kid, but even then I wasn't happy. It's just been an endless downward spiral, no matter what antidepressants I'm prescribed. It's really depressing!

Anywho, I've been trying to go on walks lately to combat this. I don't know what I'll do when it becomes too cold to take walks. I'm not excited for winter at all. I don't know if I could consider it seasonal depression, it's more just that my mental health changes based on the weather. Especially during the changing of seasons, I feel that I'm more likely to go through depressive and psychotic episodes. It's scary never being able to trust my mind. I never know when things will suddenly crash down and reach a new all-time low, or when I'll lose touch of reality entirely. One time, I thought the whole world was a big cardboard box inside a coma and I had to wake up by dying. It was so scary, I was wandering the streets in the middle of the night like I was crazy or something.

I'm just really stressed about some art commissions I have to finish. It's been a bit over a month, and even though I've been keeping in contact, I feel really guilty about being so slow. I procrastinate because I feel like I'm letting them down, and it just becomes more and more daunting. I'm almost finished with one, and another I've finished completely. I only have one and a half left, essentially. But it's really stressful. I hope I can work on them a little bit tonight after my walk. I always feel guilty about something, though, and I'm not too sure why that is. I just always feel sort of useless.

I'm also kind of lonely, I think. I haven't seen my friends for a few months. They're all so much closer to each other than to me. I don't have anyone to talk to on a daily or even weekly basis. I usually watch youtube videos and interact with people on here to fill that void, and it works okay. Luckily I don't get too lonely most of the time. I talk to myself in my head a lot, sometimes full on discussions and debates. It's just the way my brain's always been, It's like there's another person inside my head..maybe it's my long lost twin from another universe, or something, I dunno.