November 4th update!
I apologize if this is entry worded and structured weirdly, as right now, I am hungover and completely disoriented. I haven't updated this site in almost exactly a month. To be honest, I've been spiraling badly. My gender dysphoria came back at full force randomly, and I just haven't been doing well at all. I just feel like dying most days.
I took a low-ish recreational dose of benadryl last night, and I feel so disoriented and unreal today. I'm going to try to stop forever, I've tried it a few times and I constantly feel the urge to do more. It's stupid that I even tried in the first place, I guess I was just being self-destructive. I slept for at least 14-15 hours, but I still feel tired. My vision has been shaking all day, or everything slightly jittering. I don't know how to describe it. Each time the trip is more miserable and nightmarish than the last, and I struggle to sleep usually for days afterwards due to vivid and nightmarish hallucinations. I have really bad visual snow today. Don't be stupid like me!.
My birthday was on the 23rd last month, it was okay. I didn't do much, but a friend walked to my house and gave me a card. I also got a speaker for listening to music from my parents, which made me happy. Now that I'm 17, I feel even worse about myself. I feel like such a failure. I'm almost always home alone, so I just sit in the dark of my room and listen to music most of the time. My favorite albums to put on and code to right now are The Origin of My Depression by Uboa and Panchiko's D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L.
I have less than a month to do 20 hours of drivers ed, too. I just feel like I'm falling apart, everytime I think I've reached the lowest possible point in my life, I just keep getting lower. Sometimes the emotional pain manifests as aches all over my body. I'm just in this weird rut of existential dread as I get older. I used to have a promising future, but I feel like it's hopeless now. I threw it away and it's too late to redeem myself. Anyways, I've rambled enough, I think. I hope everyone is having a good November so far!