November 4th update!

I apologize if this is entry worded and structured weirdly, as right now, I am hungover and completely disoriented. I haven't updated this site in almost exactly a month. To be honest, I've been spiraling badly. My gender dysphoria came back at full force randomly, and I just haven't been doing well at all. I just feel like dying most days.

I took a low-ish dose of DPH last night, and I feel so disoriented and unreal today. I'm going to try to stop forever, I've tried it a few times and I constantly feel the urge to do more. It's stupid that I even tried in the first place, I guess I was just being self-destructive. I slept for at least 14-15 hours, but I still feel tired. My vision has been shaking all day, or I see everything slightly jittering. I don't know how to describe it. Each time the trip is more miserable and nightmarish than the last, and I struggle to sleep usually for days afterwards due to vivid and nightmarish hallucinations. The worst hallucination I have is a girl who talks to me in a creepy voice. I see her in my room sometimes, too. I have really bad visual snow today. Please take this as a warning if you are like me, and Do NOT use deliriants. Do not use anything OTC. It's scary when you're on it because your heart is rapidly fluttering, your legs are spasming, and you feel like you're going to die. It's easy to get lasting brain damage (in severe cases this manifests as early onset dementia) and HPPD.

My birthday was on the 23rd last month, it was okay. I didn't do much, but a friend walked to my house and gave me a card. I also got a speaker for listening to music from my parents, which made me happy. Now that I'm 17, I feel even worse about myself than ever before. I feel like such a failure. I'm behind in school for my age because my mom gave up on homeschooling me. I'm almost always home alone, so I just sit in the dark of my room and listen to music most of the time. My favorite albums to put on and dissociate to right now are The Origin of My Depression by Uboa and Panchiko's D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L. Both of these albums are very moving to me. I'm still autistically obsessed with Drain Gang, too. I want to make a shrine for it eventually!

I have less than a month to do 20 hours of drivers ed, too. I just feel like I'm falling apart, everytime I think I've reached the lowest possible point in my life, I just keep getting lower. Sometimes the emotional pain manifests as aches all over my body. I'm just in this weird rut of existential dread as I get older. I used to have a promising future, but I feel like it's hopeless now. I threw it away and it's too late to redeem myself. I want to try therapy again, but my parents have enough on their plate right now, trying to open up a business. Anyways, I've rambled enough, I think. I hope everyone is having a good November so far!