september 9th, 2023

hi! it's been a little bit since i updated my blog, but someone in my cbox inspired me to today! overall, i'm doing better now that my japanese class has started up again for this year. the class is only ten or eleven kids this year, so it's a lot easier to socialize. i walked into class the other day, and a guy started making small talk with me! it made me happy, because usually i feel sort of out of place. this year i don't at all. it's all of my favorite classmates from last year who seemed to have continued to japanese level three this year. when i say i'm doing better, i mean it in the emotional sense. my mood is better than usual for the past week. i hope the trend continues into autumn time. i just worry, because i get more anxious during cold seasons. trauma-versary or something like that. i feel anxious, but overall happier than i was around this time last year. in the end, i'm relieved that she broke up with me. i never ever thought i'd even type that out, it makes me really happy. regret still lingers, but it's so much better not having an fp. i can finally focus on my own mental health, where before i was only focusing on how miserable and anxious i felt because of her all of the time.

unfortunately, i can never trust my mood to dictate how i'm doing mentally, because i often can't tell if i'm just having an elevated mood swing. whenever i feel happy, i feel that it's impossible that i'll ever be sad again. whenever i do feel sad again, i realize i didn't magically heal, and it makes the pain hurt even more. this time i feel that i'm genuinely better, but i've learned to be more cautious of that feeling, as it's usually wrong. i can at least enjoy these happy moments while they last. i have a few commissions i need to finish. they know i'm struggling, and they're my friends, so they're patient with me. i'm grateful for my friends. they're so nice to me. they welcome me back, even if i disappear for months due to my mental health.

i don't want to be too negative on here, i just type whatever i'm thinking at the time, i guess. but i feel mostly happy. i just can't say i feel hopeful, the future looks as bleak as usual. i just enjoy the good parts while they're happening. i'm going to ask my psychiatrist to up my antidepressant dosage this week, hopefully it'll help. i stopped taking them because they were hardly working. the weather is starting to get color, i think i already mentioned that. although i instinctively feel unsafe through these seasonal changes, i'm so excited for my birthday and halloween. me and my friends are going to see the five nights at freddy's movie together! i'm excited for that as well.. i can only hope for happier days to come and try my best!

p.s. i changed up my layout a bit here! i hope everypony likes it :D