Sobriety and Getting Better

I'm going to try to be sober from everything for at least a day and see how I feel. I'm so tired of constantly feeling out of it and dazed. My last DPH experience was hellish and made me not want to be under the influence of anything ever again; nothing "traumatic" happened perse, but that was why I hated it so much. I was trying to turn misery into psychosis, but instead it ALWAYS turns into more misery. I only hallucinated a few times. The biggest and most unsettling part of DPH trips is the feeling of your body and brain dying. I feel my heart rapidly fluttering, my whole body spasming, I forget to breathe, and I fall into a severe derealization for days following. My short-term memory is going to be fried for the next week again, these few sentences have taken me embarrassingly long to write because I keep losing my train of thought. The only thing that I latch onto to keep me alive and sane, my constant internal monologue, is fuzzy and demented, making me feel like complete shit. I feel like my productivity has gone down significantly in the past year, and I struggle to even tell day from night anymore. Funnily enough, last night before I took more, I put the bottle down and reconsidered for a second. When I put it down, I heard a sinister voice in my room say something along the lines of, "Smart choice." I know it was a hallucination, but that's why it scared me so much. My subconscious was even warning me to stop taking this poison before I seriously damage my brain, if I haven't already. Every single trip has the potential to kill me, I should take the warning to heart and be glad I'm still here and coherent.

I've been trying to work on drivers ed and even doing some math for the first time in months, and I feel so much better about myself than when I was just high off my ass listening to music in the dark alone. Maybe if I start doing things with my life, I won't feel like such a failure all of the time. I can't keep living in this cycle of self-pity and misery. It'll just be a little experiment for a day to see how I feel, considering I don't think I've spent a single day sober since I was broken up with near the very beginning of the year. This isn't me "trying to get better", though. I had that goal when I was first diagnosed with BPD at 14 or 15, but I've given up on that. The notion of getting better implies an end-goal that I expect to reach, and everytime I fall deeper into my illness, I would always think, "I thought I was getting better, but clearly I'm not, so I must be a failure." It was an unhealthy mindset that led to me spiraling even worse, without realizing why. "I'm a failure, so why should I even try to make anything of my life?" is the mindset attempting to get better led me down, which probably turned into ignoring my responsibilities to get high and drown out the world instead. I feel suicidal almost every day, and it's only going to get worse and lead to serious consequences if I don't try to get my shit together. I don't want to kill myself, so I'm going to try to get out of this cycle of self destruction.